Hello 2020

Maybe I'm back this time?  Hello 2017.

Hello

I'm back.

Like a Bull in a China Shop

There is another side to the old saying “like a bull in a china shop”.  We usually use the term to point our finger at some overbearing, inconsiderate scoundrel. But think of that hapless bull unable to move for fear of breaking some fragile dish, some priceless crystal candlestick. No matter which way he turns or moves failure is sure. In time or frustration he eventually must move, must escape, smashing breakables the whole way.

If you find yourself facing failure at every turn, no place to go, perhaps it isn’t because you are a failure but that you’ve gotten yourself into a china shop, perhaps one you built yourself or loved one built for you, when in truth you were born to stampede wild through the grasslands.

Run, Wild Bull, Run

Captain

There should be sirens, whistles, cymbals crashing, the sky should burn and the moon shed tears. But there is just a big empty hole in my heart where my dog used to live.

I have been preparing for his sister’s death since she was six weeks old. Every vet that listens to her heart turns away from me grim-faced. They give her three years. But today when I returned home from a short shopping trip it was Captain my big Golden Retriever male lying in the back yard. Tongue blue, heart not beating. I could hear myself screaming, “No, no, not him. Not him!”. My husband and I totally frantic, not knowing what to do. His body still warm, we called and shook him, tried to check to see if he had swallowed or choked on something. Carried him to the car. Drove to the nearest vet only to be told what we knew. He was dead. He was three.

I wanted to blame the neighbor. Maybe he poisoned him. Or the breeder for a bad breeding. Myself for having gone to the store, not being there, not knowing more dog first aid. Just about anything that would give some rhyme or reason, an excuse to be furious. But the truth is – it doesn’t matter. He is gone. One of the joys in my life is gone. No matter how much my brain tries to explain it, rationalize it, understand it - my heart knows nothing will make this better. In time I will learn not to look for his big head pushing up my hand for a petting. Or his little happy dance when it is time to be fed. Or his running back to check on me when we are hiking. In time the pain will be less but today, in my world, the sky is burning and the moon is shedding tears.

Not Speaking

The great difficulty when someone isn't speaking to you is there is no way to find out why and resolve the issue. Without talk there is no end. Without end there is no peace. But given enough time, enough space from the person that no longer wishes to talk to you the spirit calls for an end, a resolution, an end to the sadness. You let the person go, no matter how dear they may have once been. You let them go, making room to embrace those that do care.

Practice

I will need to practice this for awhile to get a handle on how it works. It looks like lot's of things can be posted on a blog including pictures. It will take me awhile to get used to the idea and see if there is much or any point that can't be done with FaceBook.